let’s try to make this shorter – i present, the pilot episode in one minute, or if you are really good – 30 seconds:

Girl meets Boy.
Girl smitten by Boy outside Boy’s Loo.
Boy smitten by Girl inside classroom.
Crow appears several time, must be significant.
Fog appears several time, usually with the crow.
“It’s the fog it’s making me foggy”
Boy meets Girl in cemetery, Girl has a bloody cut.
Boy “freaks” and “disappears”.
Boy has a photo of someone who looks like Girl – dated 1864. Creepy.
Boy and Girl go to high school illegal bonfire party.
They flirt.
Girl’s friend is really psychic – more crows.
They converse – more teen angst.
Girl’s friend almost killed by a vampire.
Boy “freaks” and “disappears”.
Girl’s friend’s brother (whose also Girl’s ex) is suspicious.
Boy has an evil brother!
Evil brother and boy fight! (WHAT NO FANGS WTF FAIL!)
Evil brother flirts with Girl’s jealous friend.
Cue Girl and Boy separately writing diaries – OH I GET IT NOW.
Boy finds Girl, they flirt some more.
Girl invites Boy in.



“Their show premiered yesterday and they’re already in trouble?!

Several actresses from The Vampire Diaries and an accompanying photographer were booked for disorderly conduct last week for participating in a photo shoot that included hanging over the I-75 bridge at Rumble Road in Smarr, Georgia.

They were detained while authorities responded to the 911 calls of seven different motorists citing women in danger. Yet, one caller claims the ladies were flashing traffic down below!

Those callers wouldn’t know a little CW fun if a tittay smacked them in the face!

Nina Dobreva, Candice Accola, Kayla Ewell, Krystal Vayda, Sara Canning and photog Tyler Shields were released from the Monroe County Jail the same day after each paying $1,000 bond.

On another note, an employee of the BP Food Mart nearby said the group came by and took some “fun kind of pictures” while straddling his store’s gas pumps.

The epitome of clASS!” – Perez.


James Blunt reference +1 for first pop culture reference. -1 for OLD pop culture reference.
Fog count 1
Obligatory opening vampire kill scene +1 for the drama
Kill count 1 + 1
Vampire Ring count 1 — OMG WHAT DOES THE RING MEAN?

THE ring...

THE ring...

Lead girl is pretty +1
High school teenagers drinking coffee +1 for reality check
Psychic friend +1 for trying to throw in a twist. -1 because we don’t need anymore supernatural in one show like True Blood.
Graveyard count 1
Obama, Heath Ledger & Florida to “break off into a resort island” +1 for pop culture reference attempt

Crow count 1

THE Crow...

THE Crow...

Mystic Falls High School and Stefan the hot vampire walking up too much like “Twilight” high school scene and Edward Cullen the hot vampire walking up to it. -2
“Can we still tranny mess?” +1 for C.Siriano shoutout.
Drug dealing in high school WTF -5
Stefan takes off Ray-Bans to “glamour” the high school secretary +1 for the Ray Bans, -1 for glamouring.
“I’m sensing Seattle,” Bonnie to Elena about Stefan -1 for another semi-Twilight reference that vampires are from the state of WA. “I’m sensing Bon Temps” anyone???
Elena in the boy’s loo +1
Cue girl bumping into boy and cliched she-moved-left-he-moved-left-repeat -2
Texting in class +1 for reality check.
High schooler with blackberry +1 for another reality check.
Graveyard count 1
Crow count 1
Fog count 1
Creepy crow count 1

Mysterious guy in shadow +1 for suspense.
“It’s the fog it’s making me foggy” +1 for being cute
“That is the bird movie..the Hitchcock?” +2 for reference and I like Hitchcock.
Ring count 1
Blood on ankle -1 there was no way she got that from her run in the cemetery.
“When was the last time you had sex with a puppy?” -1 OUCH
“No worries, I get it blood makes you squeamish” says Elena to THE VAMPIRE -3
HE STOLE HER DIARY -2 for lame excuse to see Elena.
Stefan can’t enter without being invited +1 for keeping with vampire tradition.
First Bonnie mentions Matt dumped Elena in the start, but later Matt says she dumped him. Who dumped who??? -3 for inconsistency.
Cue MGMT song +5 because “Kids” is a great song!
Who is that cute “nephew” of Uncle Stefan??? +2
Stefan writes! A lot. +1
Photo of Elena in black and white, oh wait that’s Katherine…dated 1864. Creepy. +1
“It’s okay I’m cool with it” Matt on the jock stereotype +1
Stefan knows how many casualties (“346 casualties unless you are counting the local civilians”) there were in the “Battle of Willow Creek”. +1 But -3 for another too-close-to-True-Blood parallel (ref: Bill Compton Civil War scene).
Back-To-School-Party at Mystic Falls = hooking up + beer + bonfire +1 for reality -1 for teen drinking.
“french romance novel stare” -1
Bonnie IS psychic. SHIT +3
Crow count 1, we didn’t see it but Bonnie said it and so it counts.
Stefan and Elena on the bridge K-i-s-s- oh wait, that didn’t happen -1
Almost-rape scene +1 for reality check at random party
Stefan suddenly gets vamp-like…why? Oh, oh I KNOW! Is it like in True Blood when fangs come out when they get turned on?? -2 for lack of clarity AND parallel to TB.
FOG IN THE FOREST! Fog count 1
Victim #3, but she doesn’t die.
Cue emo song with emo conversation between Matt (old flame) and Elena +1 for “I still believe in us and I’m not giving up on that”.
“Caroline, you and me…it’s not gonna happen,” OH SHIT! You tell her! +1 for telling it to her like it is.
Jeremy falls on a bleeding Vicki Donovan (aka victim #3) +1 for coincidence.
Matt Donovan sees Stefan Salvatore back away from the crime scene +1 for coincidence
ENTER DAMON SALVATORE!  And suddenly at that angle he looks like CHACE CRAWFORD +20
Fog reference. Count 1.
“Couldn’t take another day of the 90s, that horrible grunge look did not suit you” +1 for 90s reference. +1 more for disliking grunge look.
Stefan vs. Damon vampire fight +1
“when was the last time you had something stronger than a squirrel” Damon to Stefan +1 does synthetic blood count?
“I give it a 6, missing style but pleasantly surprise. Very good face thing” Damon on Stefan’s fighting style. I give it a +3 only.
Ring count 1. Does the ring keep him alive???

Where are the fangs?!!

Where are the fangs?!!

DAMON VAMP FACE! +5 Why no fangs? (see snapshot) -10
Elena reminds Jeremy he is underage and drinking +1 for reality check.
Coffee cures hangover +1 for reality check.
Vicki tells her brother Matt it was a vampire attack as she wakes up in the hospital +3 for drama. Matt’s jock mind reels.
Jeremy looking at photos of his dead parents holding the frame with chipped black nail polish fingers -3 for the chipped nails. Disapprove.
Damon flirts with Caroline…suddenly he looks really feminine. -3 That hairstyle was so last year…
Elena runs downstairs to see Stefan and invites him into house +1 for vampire tradition and -3 for feeling too much like Sookie running to Bill, minus the sex.
Stefan has tears..this is pathetic. -1.

Total count: 35

Crow count: 3

Fog count:5

Ring count: 3

Kill count: 2+ 0.5
Teen-angsty riddled pilot. Undecided on the value of the show, but we’ll give the next episode another shot.

till then…

Because it was too funny not to do episode recaps in 10 minutes that we can do an index count on (kudos to the crew at the nymag “vulture” for the fantastic GG reality index count).